In Conversation With Philip Chave  
The Haven Healing Centre Home Therapist Series  

Overcoming Online Porn  
Addiction and Sex Addiction  

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Treat Your Online Pornography Addiction - Now!

Don't Let Online Sex and Porn Addiction Destroy Your Marriage

Frequently Asked Questions

• I find it so difficult when there is temptation everywhere. Why does this happen to me?
You're right there! Visual and audio stimulation is everywhere, on TV, in magazines, advertising, posters, on your computer, in music, on the street, at work, on the tube, and even standing in line at the Post Office. Your brain kicks into gear and the temptation to look online is completely overwhelming, because the brain is looking for satisfaction. It doesn't care how you get it, your mind just tells you, I need this, and this is the fastest, easiest way to get it. It worked before, it will work again, so get on with it.

Why do you think your brain is always on the lookout for new ways to interpret what you see, to justify looking at porn, or engaging in other sexual behaviour, like masturbation. The little nag, nag, nag that goes on in your head is designed to wear you down and for you to give in, rather than look at new, better ways to satisfy the need. We are all frigntened by pain, and frightened by exhaustion, as both can be life threatening. When we become exhausted, it hurts, so we give in, rather than risk our survival. That's the self-perpetuating nature of addiction.

• I've heard that getting over pornography addiction can be more difficult than giving up other addictions. Is this true, and why is that?
Pornography, or sex addiction is as difficult to get over as other addicitons because, like other addictions, at it's core, is a chemical response that is very much like a chemical addiction. Not the kind of chemical addiction that you might put into your body rolled in paper and sucked into your lungs, or pumped in via a needle, mind you, as these chemicals you make yourself, internally. Let me tell you that your body makes its own opiates that are, gram for gram, 100x stronger than heroin.

So don't go away with the idea that porn addiction is just a habit that you need to break by just one day changing your behaviour. And to add to the problem, if your addiction is based round a computer, and you use a computer for your work, what chance is there to just drop the habit, without first leaving your job? Much easier of course, if your addiction cost you your job, but think about that for a moment. That's like an alcoholic trying to give up drinking, and working behind a bar at the same time.

• Is this all my own fault?
Whilst I hate apportioning blame, I am conscious of the fact, and believe, that my life is the product of all of the choices that I have made throughout my life up until now, and that I am where I am now because of those choices. I believe that to be true of YOU too. No one else is to blame for anything that is going on in your life right now. You may not like it, but somehow this problem has somehow crept in, or been rammed in, by somebody else, but you, however unwillingly, let that happen. James Allen said, "Man is made or unmade by himself. By the right choice he ascends. As a being of power, intelligence, and love, and the lord of his own thoughts, he holds the key to every situation." So, YOU hold the key to your own success or failure. Allen also said, "Circumstances don't make a man, they reveal him." Making the right choices reveals you to be a person of power.

• How will two little CD's help me to change my behaviour?
By themselves, they can't. What I am doing here is giving you choices, and the tools to help you make better choices. You have to have the desire to change. Remember what was just said? Circumstances reveal the man (or woman). When circumstances are desperate, like accepting you are addicted to porn, or being forced by a partner to do something about it, what becomes revealed is your ability to accept or reject your call to action. Are you man (or woman) enough to step up and make the choices necessary to quit?

• I CAN'T stop looking at porn. I've tried and tried and it's impossible for me. What can I do?
First change the word CAN'T to I DON'T KNOW HOW YET. Can't is a very powerful word. Everytime you say it your unconscious looks for meaning and see's that you feel hopeless, impossibly lost, unable to do anything, paralyzed. You are reinforcing your own inability to change anything. But I DON'T KNOW HOW YET, opens doors doesn't it? You have new possibilities. Maybe if somebody showed me how, I would know how to face my demons and win. Remember, it's NOT can't, its I DON'T KNOW HOW YET!

• Why is it so hard to be honest with our partners?
Usually the answer is because you care deeply about hurting them, or upsetting them, or betraying them. The one thing a man wants to be to his wife is a knight in shining armour, coming to the rescue when she's in trouble, helping her when she is struggling, providing for her, and taking care of her tenderly when she needs a hug. Anything outside of that remit feels like a compromise, or a threat to the relationship. Of course, not wanting to be caught can also be because of the potential for reprisals.

• Is it ok if we watch porn together?
Whether you do it on your own, or whether you do it together, isn't the problem. PORN IS THE PROBLEM! I often have people ask this question and I don't want to come over all 'preachy', but if watching internet porn on your own is wrong, on either side, then so is watching it together. What's right is right and what's wrong is wrong. On that basis, would you, or should you, invite your mum and dad in to watch too, to have them look over your shoulder at what you are viewing? You have to make this decision between you, but my experience with clients is that even if they consent in the beginning, they both end up regretting it afterwards, usually weeks, months or years down the line.

• I keep thinking I'm a freak and a pervert, what can I do?
Let me assure you, a real freaky pervert wouldn't care one way or another, so the fact that you ask means that you're not. The fact is you are trapped in a cycle of pornography addiction that is difficult to get out of. Pornography, masturbation and other sexual behaviour is not about 'sex', but more about how the body becomes addicted to the chemical hit that it receives as a reward for your participation. The body doesn't NEED pornography to survive (neither does it need sex for that matter), but it needs the neurochemical rush that the pornography provides.

So these are just acts that create a chemical response in the body. They serve a need for feeling great, high, close, special, loved, and these feelings fill an intimacy hole in us that has the plug pulled out. The downside is, the effect is temporary. We soon become disconnected, lonely and isolated again, and in need of a dose of intimacy. Our brain becomes tricked into believing our only course to satisfaction is the porn, sex, masturbation route again, because this worked before. This increases your isolation and the whole cycle starts again.

• So what's the answer?
To connect with others in meaningful ways. Reduce your isolation and start connecting in a wider social environment. You will soon find that mixing with others socially, talking, touching, shaking hands, dancing, laughing, telling jokes and stories, giving, receiving, enjoying others company and having them enjoy yours, will release the very same neurochemicals that you so desperately needed the pornography and masturbation for. You will enjoy the same effect if you decide to enjoy the company of your wife, partner, children and work collegues. Bringing back the love you once shared with a partner will release all of the same chemicals you need to stop needing the porn. The difference is that afterwards you won't feel isolated, lonely or depressed anymore.

If you have any questions or concerns before ordering your CD's please contact me by:

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In Conversation With Philip Chave: Understanding, Coping With & Eliminating Internet Pornography Addiction & Sex Addiction

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